Far From It

I lie when I say I don't care what happen to them
I tell myself to care less, simply because its not mine to care
but I cant

I cant because I love them
and when something break, I will fix it
or at least, I try to

I come home with bags of food
even though not all are present,
I thought that food will give an opportunity to ease the tension
thinking that of all the days, this, would be a good chance to have supper

but no, I was wrong
what was I thinking?
my good day is not enough
far from it, in fact to ease the tension

this, is a pain in the ass,
I don't wanna care
because my life would be so freakin much easier if I don't
but I just cant

and despite the pain
I'm secretly grateful I cant
damn it


*for those who love me, my family, lover and friends, don't put me in this agony.
if you know it will trap me in a helpless situation, among my loved ones, then stop it.

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Pull it, Go on

The thing is, I don’t care. I don’t care whether or not its important to me or anyone, anymore.

I wish I can be that generous hearted you see, but I realised im not that strong. I mean what I say, I don’t mind and I don’t care, but a part of me is tired, very tired from all these. Tired of understanding, tired of waiting without certainty, tired of people who without guilt left others waiting.

They say no pain no gain, but really, is this even pain? Am I just a spoiled brat who doesn’t see through as it is? Its true, patience is similar to a very elastic rubber. Pulled it long enough to know its limit, but when you push through its limit it will break.

So pull mine to its limit, see how long I stand.

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Our coincidences, His Plans

Do you believe that there is a power or energy out there which surrounds us, sometimes, protecting us from danger, other times instills fear and/or uncertainty in us? Does believing the intangible proof the detriment of reason and logic?

I’m not sure really. A few weeks ago a tarot reader predicted my personality and a portion of my future. Time will tell the accuracy of her prediction on the future, but my personality, damn, she was right. The order of those cards, who put them together? The words she said, where does she hear them whispered to her? Well, in accordance to my religion, it’s a sin to believe such things. Maybe, it’s prohibited for a good reason. Knowing, not yet believing it, triggers doubt in our (or rather, my) already capricious nature.

Take a minute and look back of all the incidents that brought you so close to danger, but somehow you passed it. You didn’t realise how close you were until you’ve reached home, taken a sit and flashed through the incident again in your head, and imagined if a single thing had turned out differently you might have faced an unimaginable danger. When this happens, I choose to believe there is a power greater than us up or out there protecting us from danger. Maybe, our coincidences are their/His/ God’s plans.

It’s scary when you finally understood how vulnerable the situation was, how easily things could go wrong. Is it paranoia? I know that it lingers through the night, those thoughts of the ugliest possibilities. These thought are futile, I know. Instead I should be giving thanks that we are kept away from harm but still, I’m scared.

Suddenly you realise that no one, I mean no one in this world (a world of science, logic and reason), which encourages you to believe only the tangibles, can protect you against harm. When you are that close to danger, when you have done all that you could in this delimited world, you can only hope for a miracle. Are we delusional in believing that it might happen, or are we just hopeful, hanging on to faith? Whatever it is, when we are kept away form harm, I can only figure how fortunate we sometimes are whether or not it’s a coincidence, and the simplest deed is possibly thanks-giving.

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Packing

I was packing as I no longer extend my rent in Depok. Then I realise, I have been packing my whole life.

Since I was young, I moved from city to city, then in Singapore, from an apartment to another, and then from one country to the next. Everytime we pack, we leave something behind. We always think that we have packed them all in our suitcases, but we are always wrong. Everytime we leave a place, we leave a part of ourself behind for the sake of tomorrow. We thought we remember the good times, the good old times, like they say, the old times are always good, but then again we are wrong. Today is the good old days of tomorrow, and no, we cant remember the good old times wholely without being there.

A place isn’t just a room we sleep in, it’s an environment we live our life in. That environment has contributed to who we are today and in our deepest we all know memories are not just the things we did, but also the places we went. See when you leave, a new oppoturnity opens up. But before you enter, you have got to let go of the past. Its time again to start anew, right from zero to almost a completion, because as always, you have to move right before that.

Sometimes I wonder, those who live their life in a single place is fortunate; to have friends whom you know all your life you cant even remember when or how you met; to have memories of the places you went when you were smaller and to witness its change over the years; to have the old stuff kept in a cupboard where the photos smell of dust and its colours fading; to realise the root of your life starts here, in this house, in this city which feels like your big playground because you have lived here all your life. You know how it smells when it rains and how burning the sun can be during summer. You know you belong here.

I’m not saying I would change my life for such an alternatif,I just thought that having a place where you truly feels at home is nothing but a true blessing.

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Be Absent

It isn't hatred I felt just now
I don't know if there exists a word
Sufficient to describe what lies in the subterranean depth of me

It's partly revulsion,
Awareness of the physical space
Ironically, a form of acceptance of the past

It's confusing, really
Why is he still here despite his misdeeds?
Why hasn't anyone done anything till now?
I'm not asking the world to change for me
I simply want his absence in my presence
For the exchange of having a piece of my past

Get him out of my sight
My stomach revolt with pure disgust
But instead I gave out a reluctant smile in his presence

He looked and said hi without scruples or remorse
There is nothing to forgive
It isn't forgiveness that sets you free
Because human can never forgive nor be set free

We are the slave of our memories.

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Presence of the Past

It wasn’t hatred I felt just now
I don’t know if there exist a word
Sufficient to describe what lies in the subterranean depth of me

It’s partly revulsion,
Awareness of the physical space,
Ironically, a form of acceptance of the past

It’s confusion, really
Why is he stil here despite his misdeeds
Why hasn’t anyone done anything till now
I’m not asking the world to change for me
I simply want his absence in my presence,
For the exchange having a piece of my past.

Get him out of my sight
My stomach revolt with pure disgust
But instead, I gave out a reluctant smile in his presence

He looked and said hi without scruples or remorse
There is nothing to forgive
It isn’t forgivesness that sets you free
Because one will never forgive nor be set free

We are the slave of our memories.

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Spice it up

Can a person ever change? Or do we have to simply adapt?

In adapting, is it compromising? I wonder if it last…or is it a time-bomb?

The incident only goes to show how lil’ we know of each other

and how much things are yet to be discovered.

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Curiosity

Wanting to know too much is dangerous

Sense of curiosity can make or break

So tell me, is it wiser to know

Or stay in the isolation of realism and go by just what you see?

Wanting to know, or what they call curiosity is a funny thing. For a second we all thought that the truth will and must be the base for fairness and long lasting relationship. But does it apply to all things? Can it compromise with faith?

Then suddenly you realise that silence can neither be categorized as honesty or lies. The next thing you know is that knowing a little induce intense curiosity for things that may not matter before. But does knowing change the way we see things? It can and has the power to, but most dangerously, it has the power to make you speculate.

Without curiosity,is it then ignorance or having faith?

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Seeing Beyond

Love is when you see the core of someone

Beyond artificialilty

Taking along qualities the society have shaped them into,

But apart from that,

See them naked and bare

If you can still see the good others can’t

If you understood the ‘why’ behind their wrongdoings

And if you can still see the good,

Then you know why they are worth loving,

Then, you know you’re in love.

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Expressed

Staying is acceptance. Thanks for sticking by.

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CD Records and Us

For the past few months I’ve loved purchasing original records. Besides the feeling of true ownership, these records have made me realize that sometimes imperfections or flaws bring out the beauty and potential in us.

Throughout the years, we have been downloading music equipped with the freedom to choose only the songs we like, leaving out the records we think are unsuitable for us. However, in purchasing a CD record, I fully realize that it is the songs that I don’t quite like that make the other songs more beautiful. Suddenly what I used to name “the nice songs” becomes nicer in the presence of the other songs. It’s really weird because somehow listening only to the ‘nice songs’ makes those ‘nice songs’ seems boring.

A package of CD record is similar to a person in some ways. It has its nice songs as we have our strength. But besides that, it has some songs which to some people are a lil less than the others, as we have our flaws and weaknesses in the eyes of others. Also, it’s unlikely to find a perfect CD records with all our favorite songs inside, packed with the cover we think is flawless just as we, are unlikely to find a perfect person in our eyes packaged the way we always imagined. Lastly, some CD records are enjoyed by some but not the others, as we are unlikely to be loved by all.

The point is that nothing is perfect, but it is the flaws that bring out our strength. We can always improve, but there is no reason to whine on our flaws and weaknesses. Most importantly, I realize that we often want an unrealistically perfect person to be with us, but then it would not be real and challenging, because a package of too much good is not.

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On Wanting Something

When you wanted something so small yet so badly you crave for it but everything else doesn’t let you, you drown yourself in a sea of sorrow so much so that the object no longer matter. By then, even if you have it by force, it doesn’t seem as exciting as before because it has already been tainted by too much pressure, too much effort spent on getting it yet still against everything that doesn’t allow you to have it. So for once, how nice can it be if one can look the other way, look the other door once this one has closed? Because the faster one does that, the faster one bounces up and regains the life suppressed by sorrow, pain and emptiness.

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Feeling Romantic

My sweet love, my dear

In the midst of this hectic life

You have fulfilled me

Would you love me true

When my heart is blue

Hug me tight and protect

I don’t care about the future

Only a love that’s sincere

My dear, today, is the present

Touch me, caress me

Like soft ripples upon my skin

You have brought me peace

My sweet love, my dear

In the midst of this hectic life

This, is heavenly earth

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Have it Said

Spit it out with words dear, I need to know

But please don’t throw it to me

I was pushed to the corner, unable to move

The phone rang and I spoke for you

Amongst those whom I love,

You should know it’s difficult, for I cannot choose.

These, are a part of me

I need you to be great with them

Simply because it makes me happy

So think with me, dear

For two of any is stronger than one

Try to speak your mind, bring me along

I need you to know

There are things that I cannot apologize for

But there is none I cannot fix

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Chasing Dreams

Chasing dreams.

It’s odd how it sounds distant in the future when sometimes it’s a desire to feel the past once again. It’s what you need before you settle in your life. Because only then your soul can rest and your heart feels at peace.

Meet the people you need; the old schoolmates, the family who has taken of you when you first face foreign environment, visit the dog you’ve always missed and feel the familiarity once again in your life. Go on, take a walk in the garden during fall, when the leaves are yellow and the wind is soft. Enjoy a cupa coffee outdoor where you can warm your hand around the paper cup due to the chilling wind. Have a road trip somewhere just for the exquisite views and new excitement. Have a drink at a lounge with a friend, perhaps with a couple of cigarettes, just talking about everything that has happened in the past years.

You do realize that things have changed, oh yea they do indeed. Even then, you still miss it, badly. So even if the things that used to be there aren’t anymore, that’s fine, because you just need to go back there, be there, taste the wind and feel the difference between the past and the present.

So my dear, fear not because its what I need to do not only to rest my mind, but also to make me realize that I have a life here with you.

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Trust and Fate

Some say love is like a handful of sand in your palm...
The more you grab hold onto it, the more it will slip away from you...
It's true, but it takes trust to let it go.

You don't know how hard it is to trust until you have to.
Sometimes it takes to choose.
Sometimes it's against what looks like fate.

What if fate and trust are in war?
Do you choose to believe in fate, or gamble in trust?
How the hell do you get yourself in such position?

Love should come in a package with trust.
If it is so damn hard to trust, is it then love?

When it comes to love, should love trust in fate, or fight in trust ?

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Waiting

How much of your life do you spend on
waiting?

Waiting for exam results to be released

Waiting to get on a plane

Waiting for someone’s call

Waiting for the professor to come

Waiting for someone in an appointment

Waiting for a baby on the way

Waiting for love to finally reach your way

Waiting for about anything that may come to
life

Just waiting, because nothing in your power
can change anything

You sit, simply wanting not to wait

Is it an attitude that we take,

Or simply another piece of life?

Waiting is wasteful

I’m tired of waiting

Maybe, just maybe, waiting makes it real

An imperfection that reminds me what I have
isn’t a dream

It’s real. It’s mine, and will not burst
like a bubble in the air when I wake up

I don’t know if there’s anything more that
could have been done

But I do know that we are all bounded by a
commitment we didn’t choose:

Life.

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Call it what you want

Sometimes it's not jealousy
It's not even the fear of losing

It's merely human ego
Inability to accept whats ours is about to be taken by others

But will I be okay without it ?
I guess I'm gonna do just fine

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