Doors

You don't need to drown in it to know
Give it some time, just a little time
They can make you laugh
But you'll know, whether they can give you life

You may not know what you want
But you'll always know what you don't

If you go with a 7
Come back with a 9
Not a 4

You will want to hold on so much
But you'll also know there will be times when ego rules
You're afraid you'll simply say you don't need this shit
And just, turn away

You know there's nothing holding you back really
Except finding self-fulfillment
Silly and stupid as it may seems

You just know, even if it manifests in a form of test, even risks,
You'll have to take that chance
Just so you can come back, not as a new person, but with a new mind
Ready to take on the next phase

So I pray
Open doors

Read More

Month of Christmas

I've always hoped for more christmasey Christmas here in Jakarta and then my friend said, "It's Christmas everywhere!"

Truly, he is kinda right.

Never mind what people say about Christmas, whether its a consumerism disease or phenomena. It is Christmas, it is a symbol of hope and for me, patience too.

In the month of Christmas, I realise I have to put down, just for a little while, my guard, worries and cares, to appreciate the spirit of Christmas. Beyond the glittery trees, ribbons and candles, it reminds me of faith.

Sometimes life can lift you up and keep you hanging for so long you are afraid you will fall, right to zero with nothing in your hands. But this year, without snow, christmas tree or any special celebration, I embrace Christmas with prayer, keeping hope alive.

Picture by Liek,
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&q=christmas#/d1ruv0x

Read More

Hear Yourself

When do we tell ourself its enough?

When we are maintaining, sometimes stopping here is a thought too scary to develop. It's only after, that you realise you deserve better, in all ways. But why can't we see and decide that this, is the point where you stop, just stop. Simply because those time has ended.

You keep thinking you can buy time, and that things will get better in time. You do realise that things can change, always can, if you take your place. But will you take it? Are they going to take it? You keep screaming in your heart "help me out here, Jesus".

A book you're reading says that everyone lives with one big sacrifice in their life. You just have to choose what you cant live without, and sacrifice the other in order to keep you alive. So what is it that you want? What keeps you beating, the one thing that keep you breathing?

When the day closes with the moon, you will realise that all things revolve around a point. Hear yourself, and maybe, just maybe, you sound loud enough and your heart is calm enough to hear yourself speak.

Read More

Drops

You'd like to take some time to write on this
Something you always say you're not sure of to the world

You wonder, will that feeling ever come, or are you just afraid
Sometimes it feels so damn right
So right for a second you believed you've gotten yourself exactly what you needed

Other times you just refuse to convince yourself
You look elsewhere, your dreams far from here
The possibility of a different opportunity

Do we have to test ourselves to know?
When you're not even sure you can trust yourself
"between two giants" my friend said
That's the kind of confusion we allow ourselves to be in

You keep thinking
When all you really need is now
Love it, keep it with you, savour every drop of goodness in it
Who knows those drops never come to an end

It is now that matters, if only you get it in you.

*ref for pic: http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=drops&order=9&offset=24&offset=24#/diwlbq by Sortvind

Read More

Raw Jewels

Watching others get what I want so deeply is a learning process. My roommate said that jealousy is the seed of all bad things. Maybe it’s true, because it makes you question whether what you have is worth the price and everything else you sowed.

I feel like I need to get out and do something more. Choices that leave no room for fear of risk, routine and the ordinary.

I used to think that coming onto the surface is easy and the people wearing mask everyday aren’t living. But with time that thought changes. Somehow it’s harder to let people in, and honesty becomes something you have to work for. Somehow, you believe that tolerance from others is hard to get, and being happy for others are raw jewels.

I need something more to stay alive.

Read More

Taking It In

You don't have to understand everything
Really, you don't,
Simply because you cant, and I don't expect you to

I don't need my sleep,
I need to just let my hair down a little
A simple chat with friends would have done the trick

It's understood why this is not working out
We've been pushing and the limit has been found

You may think that he shouldn't have let this happen
But to him, that may be too much to ask
I haven't decided whether that's acceptable

Nothing is going to change
and that's why I sucked it up.

Read More

Tangle

Sometimes i wonder, are we living our lives?
We are all so caught up in the tangles of our current lives,
Dreaming about the future too much that we,
Have forgotten, all together, to live, right now.

Isn't living about the present,
Isn't the future about hope, but not forgetting today?

Sometimes when i see you,
I see the strong side of me
The side of me that i wanted to be

I'm not sure if you have seen me, really
I'm not sure if we ever see each other bare, as we are
Without ambition, career paths, materialism, and pride

If we both were to put it all down,
would we still be together?
I wonder

What if love, was all it takes,
and those who criticized were the unfortunate ones?

Read More

Safety net

This crazy crazy schedule is just insane. Haven't been writing in a while, but this time, its because I hardly have the time for it. It's tiring, no doubt about it. No matter what you believe how far this will bring you in your future, your body is trying very hard to keep up with your ambition.

But this crazy crazy schedule has given me something other things has not been able to. It makes me treasure the little moments more. 15 minutes of a good chat with my family is worth the rush home, even if i need to continue working at home. Coming home at 3am from the office on Friday night is worth it if it can give me quality time with my man on Saturday. Not going to church is worth it when it gives me an hour of car-chat with my dad from the airport. It's heavenly earth coming home at 10 and to have 2 hours of tv and free time.

But most of all, it is in this time, you see, truly, how much your loved ones support you even when you dont have time for them. They watch you work, keep you strong and believe that you can always do anything, anything. When you say in your heart you cant take this, he told you that you can. when you tell them you're tired, they say that ur potential stretches more than this. its true, family and friends are like a safety net. Dont be afraid to fall back when you cant stand no longer.

For the good safety net will bounce back and make you stand, again.

Read More

Workplace

Be patient. That's what even successful lawyers say. Whatever you are doing, big or small, just do it right. These words stuck and played its role often when I'm doing something which I think shouldn't be mine to do.

Everything has its time, mine will come, soon, hopefully. Please come soon, I need to reap something, anything, after all these bulk. Its a happy place, but still, its a competitive place. Find your place or you'll lose it.

Sometimes, you just need to see that cushion, that safety net...you need to hear it, you need to feel it...just for a minute, feel what is driving your soul and keep you beating in this rhythm...

"gd nite baby have a gd nite sleep...if you cant find your dreams, count a thousand sheep..you wont be alone, i'll catch you later, you won'tbe alone, i'll sing u a cradle song...you'll meet me on pillow street..." {Andre Harihandoyo- Pillow St}

Apparently that feeling is harder to get now...I don't simply need my sleep, I need simple and sincere joy, which is rarely available now, somehow.

Life, is getting boring.

Read More

This, or that? Take your pick

Every now and then in life you've gotta make choices..some minor, others major. this time, I made a major decision. Out of the two available for me, i have to choose only one which I think best suits my interest, supposedly in the long run.

Knowing the pros and cons doesn't, I realise, satisfy your thirst for curiosity. Choosing to stay may put me in a safer net, but isn't decision in life needs a lil touch of craziness? If this is the right choice, why does this curiosity storms my mind?

Some say that you'll know when you make the right decision, but seriously pal, do you?
My best friend said I need to wait it out, and that I need the help of time to get it outa my system.
But what if time only made me realise that I shoulda follow my curiosity and took the risk? Still, the big old aging question is: what if?

But what is it am I looking for, when I clearly know that the difference cant be overwhelmingly big. Is it the minor, insignificant perks which lure the shallow me? Why can't I have faith that the choice I make can and will level off with what I need?

To make it short, in choosing, do we need commitment to know that it is right, or is curiosity a sign reminding you that it is not the right choice?

Read More